On Sunday, my dog Lana passed away.
Even writing those words feels strange.
She had been suffering for some time. Dementia had begun taking pieces of her away and her body was deteriorating.
I knew this moment was coming.
Knowing did absolutely nothing to prepare my heart for it.
Lana was more than my pet, she was my spirit companion.
A Bond That Recognized Me
I met her exactly 11 years ago while living in Singapore.
I had actually gone to the halfway home looking for a puppy.
There weren’t any left, and the foster lady introduced me to Lana, who was then Toto.
Nothing but skin and bones, she walked towards me, turned her back, laid down and reluctantly let me touch her.
I remember immediately feeling her sadness and rejection pour out of her abused body.
A bond was formed and we recognized each other.
I often thought she was a cat in a dog’s body.
During workshops, she seemed to intuitively know who needed her.
She would sit beside participants and transmute their sadness by taking it on herself.
Hence her renaming after the Queen of melancholy, Lana del Rey.
She was my little space holder and a great teacher of patience and compassion.
Losing her feels like something has been ripped out of my energetic field.
I have been waking up every day sobbing like a child.
The Price We Pay for Love
Queen Elizabeth II famously said: “Grief is the price we pay for love.”
If we want extraordinary love, we cannot demand immunity from extraordinary grief.
These last few days has become the ultimate test of of doing and allowing.
The Capacity to Hold Both
People have asked how I’m still teaching and seeing clients.
Because grief doesn’t require me to stop living.
And continuing to live doesn’t require me to stop grieving.
Part of my day, I participate in life through teaching and seeing clients.
Then I come home, and see all of Lana’s spots… and fall apart again.
We can be heartbroken and still useful.
Both states are not exclusive of each other.
We can hold space for another person while carrying grief in our hearts.
This is the Middle Way that the Buddha talks about.
Not choosing between strength and vulnerability, but developing the capacity to hold both.
When Life Asks Us to Hold More
With the Lunar Eclipse around the corner on Aug 28th,
Life is asking us to develop that capacity more.
Earlier this month, I lost my cousin to suicide, and now Lana.
Around me, I’ve heard stories of sudden deaths, relationships ending, jobs changing, homes shifting and identities being dismantled.
This full moon eclipse is in Pisces, and brings a “sudden awakening” through unexpected events (with Uranus in Gemini while at the same time squaring the Sun + Mercury in Virgo).
But we don’t need astrology to tell us that life is initiating us into a larger capacity to hold more turbulence.
Even if you’re not on a spiritual path, you can tangibly feel it.
Give the Body Permission to Tell the Truth
So rather than immediately asking: How do I make this feeling go away?
Ask yourself:
“What am I not giving myself permission to feel because I’m afraid that if I start, I won’t be able to stop?”
And then:
“What would it take to fully support myself so that I feel the full spectrum of my emotional waves?”
Maybe you need rest.
Maybe you need movement.
Maybe you need grounding structures.
Maybe you need to scream.
Maybe you need to cry in the middle of the street and stop worrying about what strangers think.
There isn’t one correct way.
The body and energy system simply need permission to tell the truth.
Emotions are energies that creates a forward momentum.
If you don’t harness it, it will stagnate and you will feel trapped and stuck.
Emotions are meant to move through us.
A Heart Made Larger, Not Harder
Lana is no longer physically beside me.
But strangely, I don’t experience her as completely gone.
While doing energy work with clients this week, I can feel her presence enter the room, amplifying my sensitivity to what is happening.
Perhaps this is Lana’s final teaching for me
he taught me patience while she was alive.
And now she is teaching me how to make my heart larger rather than harder.
⸻
Invitation: Shamanic Breathwork Journey for Inner Freedom + Live Music
Date: Sun, Sep 27, 1:30 – 4:30 pm
My musician friend is flying down from Queensland to create a live soundscape while we move through breath, movement and shamanic journeying.
e’ll create a space where you don’t need to censor what your body wneedsto express.
Inner freedom naturally unfolds when you give yourself permission to honestly feel the truth of what you are carrying.
